I do not know if this post will ever actually see the light of day but I just felt the need to get some thoughts written out. If you know me, you know there isn’t much I keep inside. I like to share, I appreciate input and I love to let other people know they are not alone. I also wanted to share because over the weekend I let people see all of the happy, but I am not going to pretend like I don’t have struggles or don’t lay awake at night with battles. What we see in the squares are not everything, there is always bad with the good and it’s what we do with the struggles that matters the most.
It’s no secret that we’ve always struggled with getting pregnant, before Grayson I had two miscarriages. I was heartbroken for what felt like a really long time. Then before Carter it took me 14 months to actually get pregnant, both were so hard in their own ways. But both taught me that relying on God was the absolute only way to get through.
After Carter, I really did think I was done. Labor hates me. But slowly that desire crept in to have another. Or so I thought. For the past six months it was like a tug of war, do I want to actually be pregnant and give birth.. ugh again.. or stick to our plan to adopt. Because I do believe in my heart, that our family is not complete. I just do not know what that looks like yet. Age has played a huge factor too, I just turned 35 and in ovary ages.. that’s kind of ancient. So in “not trying” but “kind of trying” we decided this last month was it. Well, that month (and time of month) has gone and then come. For a few days last week, I thought I was pregnant but am not. I feel like I almost mourned something I never had, is that even possible? In my mind I have gone through a wrestling match of my own kind. “Am I not a good mom? Do I not deserve another baby?” to “I will finally not be working soon and can put 100% into my two beautiful boys.” or “Good because I definitely do not want to be pregnant again.” back to “But why not?” and “Why is it so easy for some people?” I could go on.
But you know what, I don’t have to know why because God does. My final thoughts were this. From this moment on I am going to be praying for a baby girl, our baby girl. One that isn’t conceived yet, or one that is already growing. Because the Lord knows who she is. I am not going to limit God in the way of my womb either, hey look at Abraham and Sarah. They were over 100 right? I truly do believe I am done birthing babies but really, we have no idea what He has in store for us.
I heard an analogy one time that I loved and still remember whenever I struggle with the unknown. (I sure wish I could remember now who told me this! So sorry if it’s someone who is reading this) But, our life is like a parade. We can only see what is right in front of us passing by, we can’t see the beginning or the end (or even most of the middle). But the Lord, He sees all of it. Every single bit. So how can we not trust Him with it? I have soo so much in my life to be thankful for, I am not going to get caught up in why or what I don’t have.
A friend who knows my heart sent this to me the other day after I told her. “This God—his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.” (2 Samuel 22:31) A to the men. He has proven that in our lives over and over, his way is PERFECT and I have to admit I’m pretty excited to see what that looks like as far as our family growth is concerned.
Thank you for reading and for loving our family, because I know you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t.